I have stumbled in a dark place in my life as directed by God. Seriously.

I posted THIS just over 2 years ago. I find myself right back at this post wondering… wondering too many things… and feeling very unable to cope right now.

So.. what am I saying? Well, I’ll tell ya…

I have had several moments since that post. (If you haven’t read it, then go do it now cause this wont make sense. ) Let me start by saying that my life is NOW defined by the Moment… Before Cedar Ridge Church and After Cedar Ridge Church. I have been in a 2 year healing process from the time I walked in the front doors until now and it will continue for a long time. I am healing from things now that I never would have thought was needed.

Danny and I are in counseling. There are various things we are working on. The majority of that stuff is private… we learned that in counseling. What we are going through is for us to know and you to not know. Now, don’t let your mind wander. We aren’t talking major “deal breaker” things here… we have learned that our marriage is a big ring of dominoes and any issue that arises makes a domino fall and thus knocking apart everything we worked not-so-hard to line up. In counseling we are learning to space our dominoes further apart so the world doesn’t end when we have one little thing go wrong.

Dave Ramsey’s FPU moved MANY dominoes for us. Barkey is AMAZING in helping people budget their money. That is a NICE Moment for us! The Rock House gave me an outlet for ministry and connection and a feeling of importance. That was an AWESOME Moment. The Women’s Ministry has made me learn how to sit and learn with fellow ladies and enjoy being a woman and have that close relationship and knowing they truly care about my well-being. I could go on and on about all the Moments I have had at Cedar Ridge… those all blur under the one Moment of coming to Cedar Ridge.

However, one Moment… one very Earth shaking, walls falling, blasting bright light Moment, that stands out above the simple before and after Cedar Ridge Moment, has left me in a dark cold place of guilt and shame. Now, you might think that this sounds HORRIBLE and like something has happened and we are leaving CRC. LMBO! NOTHING could be further from the truth!

That Moment that has stopped everything in it’s tracks and sent me back years and years ago was the Unplanned Pregnancy Class. Sooooooooooo many personal issues came to the forefront of my life in 3 short classes. 9 simple hours. 9 life changing hours.

During that class we learned many scenarios and view points and circumstances that involve unplanned pregnancy. The class was to help us know how to counsel people and to know what they are thinking and going through. Little did I know, I was one that needed help.

The teacher, who works at Plateau Pregnancy Services in Crossville, told us about a retreat they host for mothers who have aborted their babies and are having a hard time coping. She said they take them up into the mountains for a weekend retreat. They let the know from the start that they are mothers. They each get a bear to hold and relate to as the baby. Through the weekend they walk them through the recovery process. By the last night they hold a funeral service for their babies. They each get a rose. They let them name their baby if they want. Then they toss the rose over the balcony down the mountain. They release the guilt and shame and grieve for their children.

I was stabbed right in the heart. I raised my hand to comment and could not control my emotions so I put my hand back down. I lost it. I was a hot mess. I tried again to raise my hand and comment but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop crying.

Immediately after class I went to the lady to talk to her. It took me quite a while to speak. I finally was able to sob out the part that hit me so I could thank her. I let her know that letting the women name their babies really hit home with me. I have had 2 miscarriages and I have said many times that I wanted to name the babies but no one ever wants to talk about it. It leaves everything uncomfortable. When she granted permission to these ladies to grieve and name their children it stabbed me right in a hard part of my heart.

She shared with me that she had had a miscarriage also. And it destroyed her marriage. She also shared that during one of the ceremonies with the ladies at the retreat… she was on the balcony with the ladies mourning for their children and throwing their rose.. when God spoke to her and said, “Her name is Emily.”

I was in awe. I cried even harder. She said she would pray that God would tell me the name of my 2 babies. Since then, my life has been an emotional wreck.

In counseling with Ron, 3 and a half weeks ago,  he asked if I had mourned the loss of the babies we lost. I told him it is ironic he would ask. I couldn’t speak after that. I cried and cried and cried. I knew then that it was something I had to do. Something I had to face. I had no idea that I had all that bottled up. NO CLUE. I still cry when I talk or think about it. I have trained and conditioned myself to change the subject and avoid things. I have to make an effort to think about it and grieve. I can’t change the subject. I can’t keep this in. I have to heal and grow. For my own sake, for my marriage, and for my family.

God has given me one of the names. The 2nd baby. He was a boy. I know because God told me. He left this life February 11, 1994. It brought me such peace to hear his name. I have something tangible to grieve. Something that can make sense to my ever-thinking mind. I’m not crazy. This isn’t stupid. This is very real. He was my baby. My baby that I will only know and meet if I make it to Heaven. It’s hard. It is hard to make people understand. It is hard to make myself understand. I suppose that is why I never grieved. People don’t understand or know how to deal with the loss of a child.. much less one they have never seen or touched or even had a chance to process… why would they try to understand? But for me… from the time I knew I was pregnant.. in just a few moments.. I had so many hopes, dreams, plans, names, ideas, images… his life flashed before my eyes and I wanted to know so much and plan and name and hold and in an instant it was all gone.

I saw him. He was lying there… I wont freak you out with the gory details… but I saw my little boy. He was gone. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know… I had to flush my baby. All my dreams, hopes, plans… gone. Literally flushed down the drain. Oh God, help me. God said, “His name is Jacob.” He is alive and with my Savior and Father in Heaven. I will meet him someday. I wonder what he looks like. I often wonder. I grieve.

I am not ready to talk about my first baby. I am in a very dark place right now. Only God can help me out. I know God has forgiven me but I am struggling with forgiving myself. I am buried in guilt. Ron has told me to dig a small foot hole in the wall of the pit that I am in so I can begin to climb out. Knowing that I deserve to get out is the problem.

This thing you may think trivial has been the basis from my marital issues. The basis for all the decisions in my adult life. The reason I have 6 kids and want more. The reason I struggle with self worth. The reason I am buried in guilt and shame. It isn’t something you can help me through. It isn’t something that you can understand. It is something I have to do myself… with God. Only with God.

It has took me by the hand in my deep pit and drug me deeper in the muck… all the way back to #8 in my original list. I had no idea how correct Ron was when he taught me.. that my 13 year old self made decisions that I have to deal with at 34. HARD things that I am dealing with now. My life will never be the same. I am in a Moment right now. God help me to come out on the side of healing. This is my Moment. Where I am this very moment.