I have stumbled in a dark place in my life as directed by God. Seriously.

I posted THIS just over 2 years ago. I find myself right back at this post wondering… wondering too many things… and feeling very unable to cope right now.

So.. what am I saying? Well, I’ll tell ya…

I have had several moments since that post. (If you haven’t read it, then go do it now cause this wont make sense. ) Let me start by saying that my life is NOW defined by the Moment… Before Cedar Ridge Church and After Cedar Ridge Church. I have been in a 2 year healing process from the time I walked in the front doors until now and it will continue for a long time. I am healing from things now that I never would have thought was needed.

Danny and I are in counseling. There are various things we are working on. The majority of that stuff is private… we learned that in counseling. What we are going through is for us to know and you to not know. Now, don’t let your mind wander. We aren’t talking major “deal breaker” things here… we have learned that our marriage is a big ring of dominoes and any issue that arises makes a domino fall and thus knocking apart everything we worked not-so-hard to line up. In counseling we are learning to space our dominoes further apart so the world doesn’t end when we have one little thing go wrong.

Dave Ramsey’s FPU moved MANY dominoes for us. Barkey is AMAZING in helping people budget their money. That is a NICE Moment for us! The Rock House gave me an outlet for ministry and connection and a feeling of importance. That was an AWESOME Moment. The Women’s Ministry has made me learn how to sit and learn with fellow ladies and enjoy being a woman and have that close relationship and knowing they truly care about my well-being. I could go on and on about all the Moments I have had at Cedar Ridge… those all blur under the one Moment of coming to Cedar Ridge.

However, one Moment… one very Earth shaking, walls falling, blasting bright light Moment, that stands out above the simple before and after Cedar Ridge Moment, has left me in a dark cold place of guilt and shame. Now, you might think that this sounds HORRIBLE and like something has happened and we are leaving CRC. LMBO! NOTHING could be further from the truth!

That Moment that has stopped everything in it’s tracks and sent me back years and years ago was the Unplanned Pregnancy Class. Sooooooooooo many personal issues came to the forefront of my life in 3 short classes. 9 simple hours. 9 life changing hours.

During that class we learned many scenarios and view points and circumstances that involve unplanned pregnancy. The class was to help us know how to counsel people and to know what they are thinking and going through. Little did I know, I was one that needed help.

The teacher, who works at Plateau Pregnancy Services in Crossville, told us about a retreat they host for mothers who have aborted their babies and are having a hard time coping. She said they take them up into the mountains for a weekend retreat. They let the know from the start that they are mothers. They each get a bear to hold and relate to as the baby. Through the weekend they walk them through the recovery process. By the last night they hold a funeral service for their babies. They each get a rose. They let them name their baby if they want. Then they toss the rose over the balcony down the mountain. They release the guilt and shame and grieve for their children.

I was stabbed right in the heart. I raised my hand to comment and could not control my emotions so I put my hand back down. I lost it. I was a hot mess. I tried again to raise my hand and comment but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop crying.

Immediately after class I went to the lady to talk to her. It took me quite a while to speak. I finally was able to sob out the part that hit me so I could thank her. I let her know that letting the women name their babies really hit home with me. I have had 2 miscarriages and I have said many times that I wanted to name the babies but no one ever wants to talk about it. It leaves everything uncomfortable. When she granted permission to these ladies to grieve and name their children it stabbed me right in a hard part of my heart.

She shared with me that she had had a miscarriage also. And it destroyed her marriage. She also shared that during one of the ceremonies with the ladies at the retreat… she was on the balcony with the ladies mourning for their children and throwing their rose.. when God spoke to her and said, “Her name is Emily.”

I was in awe. I cried even harder. She said she would pray that God would tell me the name of my 2 babies. Since then, my life has been an emotional wreck.

In counseling with Ron, 3 and a half weeks ago,  he asked if I had mourned the loss of the babies we lost. I told him it is ironic he would ask. I couldn’t speak after that. I cried and cried and cried. I knew then that it was something I had to do. Something I had to face. I had no idea that I had all that bottled up. NO CLUE. I still cry when I talk or think about it. I have trained and conditioned myself to change the subject and avoid things. I have to make an effort to think about it and grieve. I can’t change the subject. I can’t keep this in. I have to heal and grow. For my own sake, for my marriage, and for my family.

God has given me one of the names. The 2nd baby. He was a boy. I know because God told me. He left this life February 11, 1994. It brought me such peace to hear his name. I have something tangible to grieve. Something that can make sense to my ever-thinking mind. I’m not crazy. This isn’t stupid. This is very real. He was my baby. My baby that I will only know and meet if I make it to Heaven. It’s hard. It is hard to make people understand. It is hard to make myself understand. I suppose that is why I never grieved. People don’t understand or know how to deal with the loss of a child.. much less one they have never seen or touched or even had a chance to process… why would they try to understand? But for me… from the time I knew I was pregnant.. in just a few moments.. I had so many hopes, dreams, plans, names, ideas, images… his life flashed before my eyes and I wanted to know so much and plan and name and hold and in an instant it was all gone.

I saw him. He was lying there… I wont freak you out with the gory details… but I saw my little boy. He was gone. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know… I had to flush my baby. All my dreams, hopes, plans… gone. Literally flushed down the drain. Oh God, help me. God said, “His name is Jacob.” He is alive and with my Savior and Father in Heaven. I will meet him someday. I wonder what he looks like. I often wonder. I grieve.

I am not ready to talk about my first baby. I am in a very dark place right now. Only God can help me out. I know God has forgiven me but I am struggling with forgiving myself. I am buried in guilt. Ron has told me to dig a small foot hole in the wall of the pit that I am in so I can begin to climb out. Knowing that I deserve to get out is the problem.

This thing you may think trivial has been the basis from my marital issues. The basis for all the decisions in my adult life. The reason I have 6 kids and want more. The reason I struggle with self worth. The reason I am buried in guilt and shame. It isn’t something you can help me through. It isn’t something that you can understand. It is something I have to do myself… with God. Only with God.

It has took me by the hand in my deep pit and drug me deeper in the muck… all the way back to #8 in my original list. I had no idea how correct Ron was when he taught me.. that my 13 year old self made decisions that I have to deal with at 34. HARD things that I am dealing with now. My life will never be the same. I am in a Moment right now. God help me to come out on the side of healing. This is my Moment. Where I am this very moment.

It’s 1:45am. I have a GI series today at 3:30pm. I can’t eat or drink for 8 hours before. Ugh. Right now, Caetie and GG both are crying with their ears hurting. I seriously hope I am not going to have to make a trip to the ER tonight. Allie was throwing up about an hour ago. I am hoping that was her meds upsetting her stomach and NOT a virus! AHH!!

Ben’s eyes are NASTY! EW! They are runny and green. Gross. He cries when I wipe them. He does this every time he gets a cold. He has since he was a newborn. GG did too but she grew out of it. It is GROSS. I am washing my hands WAY TOO MUCH here lately. Blah. Dry hands.

Tonight… as in… today is officially Thursday and in 18 hours Rachel and I have our big plans! I sooooooooooooo hope it works out. Only way it wont is if someone is in the hospital or I am just physically unable to go. I am going to do this! UGH! We have been planning this for a while. We are going to eat at Demo’s downtown and then go to the live taping of Chonda Pierce at the Ryman. She is a Christian SOUTHERN Comedian. She is FUNNY! I have soooooooo been looking forward to this! I just hope I don’t pass this junk over to Rachel. I will try not to breath on you Rach. haha.

I will be RUSHING after my GI series! I will be STARVING too! WOW!

Okay…. PLEASE PRAY for us! We are dyin ovah here!

PS Emily.. I use to do the vault!

I had my list. My Dr is a newbie… which I wanted.. they tend to listen and be more friendly. She was super nice and listened to everything I said.

My list:

My feet- I have plantar fasciitis. I already knew that. Officially diagnosis is nice. She told me some foot stretches that I am suppose to try for a month and see if it gets better. She said my shoes were awesome. I was glad. If it doesn’t get better, she is sending me to physical therapy. If it doesn’t get better after that she is sending me to a foot Dr.

Cool deal.

My hands-  I have Carpel Tunnel. I have it in 2 spots on my left wrist and 1 spot on the other. I have to get wrist splints from Walmart to sleep in and we will recheck that when I go back next month.

I also have arthritis in my left wrist and finger. I knew that too. She could see and feel it. Ibuprofen will do for now.

Cool deal.

My hernia- At first she told me they are going to do the scope but her head Dr said to do something simpler first. I was GLAD! I have always been scared of those. She said I would be sedated, but still… whew. So Thursday at 3:30 I got to drink some dye as they take a series of Xrays while I swallow it down. From there we will know what exactly is going on and MAYBE need a scope. *cries* (Don’t panic Rach! We are still good!) I wont be able to eat or drink 8 hours before.  So I will be PIGGING out that night! haha. Hope I don’t choke. LMBO!

Kinda cool deal.

My tiredness, lack of sleep, and hormones- I had lots of blood work done that we will know more about in 2 or 3 days. They are checking my thyroid, for anemia, and other things… We will know more after that comes back. *sigh*

Uncool waiting deal.

She is leaving the blood clotting stuff and the spleen issue with Dr Magee. Works for me.

Cool deal.

UGH! I missed going to the Rock House friday. I like going there. I can forget everything and just be me. Barkey is in Gatlinburg. He is the only person that really talks to me and cares what I think and feel. I am really frustrated with a lot of things. Stress, Danny is getting on my nerves, finances, church stuff, my family… UGH. I just need a break. A hotel room for one night, ALONE, would be AWESOME. I just need some quiet.

Barkey’s Financial Plan is proving to be brutal! But I can actually see the light at the end of this GROSS darkness. (That was for all the KJV fans. HOLLAH!)

I need prayer. I need a break. I need an escape….

Say a prayer for Rachel. She is very very sick. She went to the Dr today thinking she had strep. They gave her a shot. They actually told her they would rather her have strep throat! She has to go back Saturday. Please pray for her. It isn’t good!

I just got an email about my cousin Carey getting out of prison. *shivers* He ALWAYS give me the creeps. And let me just say, if I lived near there.. my kids would NOT play outside. Just knowing what he has done is not okay in my mind!!!! YIKES! And to know there are people like that all around us and not know the specifics… oh my goodness. It is very unnerving! Nadine better watch herself.

On to a better past revisiting me….

I found my friend Brandy on myspace and facebook. I check for her all the time. She hasn’t had them long but a search paid off a few nights ago! It is so exciting!! We are catching up. It has been a couple of years since we mailed each other. We had been snail mailing each other since 1st grade! We only lived a few streets apart growing up but I hadn’t seen her since 2nd grade and then she came to my 9th or 10th birthday and I haven’t seen her since. Momma, what birthday did I get the waterbed? That was the last time I have seen her. We have snail mailed all these years but not in the last few years with all the drama that has gone on with church stuff and such. But I finally found her!!!

It is too cool. She is my BFF for realz.

(I had a LOT of things going through my mind and something set me off. This is scattered but it covers the basics of things that are annoying me.)

If Obama is elected….

#1- Terrorists already consider us infidels. Imagine what they think of Obama running our country. Is he a Muslim? Who knows? If he no longer is, he was at one point and I am SURE the terrorists don’t look to highly at people who turn their back on their beliefs. If he still is, then imagine the expectations they will hold him to.

#2- If he is assassinated… which I strongly believe he will be… we all know some redneck family member that drops the N-word like it’s the word “like” in Valley Girl lingo. There are many many racist people in the south… if he is assassinated do you understand the problems we will have? My friend said it correct when he said Rodney King a million times over. Black people rioted in the streets. Destroyed anything they could get their hands on because they felt they were wronged by white people. Just as there are many racist white people, there are that many more black people with a chip on their shoulder. Civil War reenactments wont come close to what our cities will look like.

And… as a poor person… poor in a sense that I am not in a certain income bracket… I am a millionaire compared to Isabella Hamm’s first home… As a poor person, I am TIRED of the condescending downward look. I don’t want rich peoples help. I want opportunity. Don’t spread around rich people’s wealth. Give me a place to work or an opportunity to EARN it myself just as the guy down the street in the nice neighborhood did.

And finally… as a mother of 2 babies that never made it into this life. They died at 7 weeks and 11 weeks. Danny couldn’t tell the Dr to kill me because my body was not sustaining the life of my 2 children. Neither should I be given the chance to kill any baby. From the moment the baby is made it has the exact same RIGHT as I do!

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

God creates life. Everyone created has the right to life. If you give someone the choice to take it then you are guilty of murder by proxy.

It is for these reasons that….

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are starving people all over this world. People who will look in our trash to eat the crumbs from our Pringles can when we toss them out after snacking on a mission trip. Kids with no orphanage to take care of them. Kids who live in landfills to find food. Homeless people in every town. Where is God for them? He is there. He didn’t promise us a life of luxury.  America is deceived. I sincerely hope it doesn’t take Obama being our President to wake us up to our ga-ga-goo-goo form of religion. God isn’t favoring us over anyone else. Stop misusing scripture to make yourself feel safe and justified in our spoiled lifestyle. Jesus in our hearts is all that matters. ALL THAT MATTERS! You better know him more than you do the interior of your car. More than you know the isles of Kroger. More than you know the gossip in your church. More than what you know about him now.