I have stumbled in a dark place in my life as directed by God. Seriously.

I posted THIS just over 2 years ago. I find myself right back at this post wondering… wondering too many things… and feeling very unable to cope right now.

So.. what am I saying? Well, I’ll tell ya…

I have had several moments since that post. (If you haven’t read it, then go do it now cause this wont make sense. ) Let me start by saying that my life is NOW defined by the Moment… Before Cedar Ridge Church and After Cedar Ridge Church. I have been in a 2 year healing process from the time I walked in the front doors until now and it will continue for a long time. I am healing from things now that I never would have thought was needed.

Danny and I are in counseling. There are various things we are working on. The majority of that stuff is private… we learned that in counseling. What we are going through is for us to know and you to not know. Now, don’t let your mind wander. We aren’t talking major “deal breaker” things here… we have learned that our marriage is a big ring of dominoes and any issue that arises makes a domino fall and thus knocking apart everything we worked not-so-hard to line up. In counseling we are learning to space our dominoes further apart so the world doesn’t end when we have one little thing go wrong.

Dave Ramsey’s FPU moved MANY dominoes for us. Barkey is AMAZING in helping people budget their money. That is a NICE Moment for us! The Rock House gave me an outlet for ministry and connection and a feeling of importance. That was an AWESOME Moment. The Women’s Ministry has made me learn how to sit and learn with fellow ladies and enjoy being a woman and have that close relationship and knowing they truly care about my well-being. I could go on and on about all the Moments I have had at Cedar Ridge… those all blur under the one Moment of coming to Cedar Ridge.

However, one Moment… one very Earth shaking, walls falling, blasting bright light Moment, that stands out above the simple before and after Cedar Ridge Moment, has left me in a dark cold place of guilt and shame. Now, you might think that this sounds HORRIBLE and like something has happened and we are leaving CRC. LMBO! NOTHING could be further from the truth!

That Moment that has stopped everything in it’s tracks and sent me back years and years ago was the Unplanned Pregnancy Class. Sooooooooooo many personal issues came to the forefront of my life in 3 short classes. 9 simple hours. 9 life changing hours.

During that class we learned many scenarios and view points and circumstances that involve unplanned pregnancy. The class was to help us know how to counsel people and to know what they are thinking and going through. Little did I know, I was one that needed help.

The teacher, who works at Plateau Pregnancy Services in Crossville, told us about a retreat they host for mothers who have aborted their babies and are having a hard time coping. She said they take them up into the mountains for a weekend retreat. They let the know from the start that they are mothers. They each get a bear to hold and relate to as the baby. Through the weekend they walk them through the recovery process. By the last night they hold a funeral service for their babies. They each get a rose. They let them name their baby if they want. Then they toss the rose over the balcony down the mountain. They release the guilt and shame and grieve for their children.

I was stabbed right in the heart. I raised my hand to comment and could not control my emotions so I put my hand back down. I lost it. I was a hot mess. I tried again to raise my hand and comment but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop crying.

Immediately after class I went to the lady to talk to her. It took me quite a while to speak. I finally was able to sob out the part that hit me so I could thank her. I let her know that letting the women name their babies really hit home with me. I have had 2 miscarriages and I have said many times that I wanted to name the babies but no one ever wants to talk about it. It leaves everything uncomfortable. When she granted permission to these ladies to grieve and name their children it stabbed me right in a hard part of my heart.

She shared with me that she had had a miscarriage also. And it destroyed her marriage. She also shared that during one of the ceremonies with the ladies at the retreat… she was on the balcony with the ladies mourning for their children and throwing their rose.. when God spoke to her and said, “Her name is Emily.”

I was in awe. I cried even harder. She said she would pray that God would tell me the name of my 2 babies. Since then, my life has been an emotional wreck.

In counseling with Ron, 3 and a half weeks ago,  he asked if I had mourned the loss of the babies we lost. I told him it is ironic he would ask. I couldn’t speak after that. I cried and cried and cried. I knew then that it was something I had to do. Something I had to face. I had no idea that I had all that bottled up. NO CLUE. I still cry when I talk or think about it. I have trained and conditioned myself to change the subject and avoid things. I have to make an effort to think about it and grieve. I can’t change the subject. I can’t keep this in. I have to heal and grow. For my own sake, for my marriage, and for my family.

God has given me one of the names. The 2nd baby. He was a boy. I know because God told me. He left this life February 11, 1994. It brought me such peace to hear his name. I have something tangible to grieve. Something that can make sense to my ever-thinking mind. I’m not crazy. This isn’t stupid. This is very real. He was my baby. My baby that I will only know and meet if I make it to Heaven. It’s hard. It is hard to make people understand. It is hard to make myself understand. I suppose that is why I never grieved. People don’t understand or know how to deal with the loss of a child.. much less one they have never seen or touched or even had a chance to process… why would they try to understand? But for me… from the time I knew I was pregnant.. in just a few moments.. I had so many hopes, dreams, plans, names, ideas, images… his life flashed before my eyes and I wanted to know so much and plan and name and hold and in an instant it was all gone.

I saw him. He was lying there… I wont freak you out with the gory details… but I saw my little boy. He was gone. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know… I had to flush my baby. All my dreams, hopes, plans… gone. Literally flushed down the drain. Oh God, help me. God said, “His name is Jacob.” He is alive and with my Savior and Father in Heaven. I will meet him someday. I wonder what he looks like. I often wonder. I grieve.

I am not ready to talk about my first baby. I am in a very dark place right now. Only God can help me out. I know God has forgiven me but I am struggling with forgiving myself. I am buried in guilt. Ron has told me to dig a small foot hole in the wall of the pit that I am in so I can begin to climb out. Knowing that I deserve to get out is the problem.

This thing you may think trivial has been the basis from my marital issues. The basis for all the decisions in my adult life. The reason I have 6 kids and want more. The reason I struggle with self worth. The reason I am buried in guilt and shame. It isn’t something you can help me through. It isn’t something that you can understand. It is something I have to do myself… with God. Only with God.

It has took me by the hand in my deep pit and drug me deeper in the muck… all the way back to #8 in my original list. I had no idea how correct Ron was when he taught me.. that my 13 year old self made decisions that I have to deal with at 34. HARD things that I am dealing with now. My life will never be the same. I am in a Moment right now. God help me to come out on the side of healing. This is my Moment. Where I am this very moment.

She made the Chris Sligh video!!! Too cool!

Whoever  said people spending money they don’t have is America’s problem hit the nail on the head. All these people with loans above and beyond their limits are the ones in deep doo doo. It is really sad that we have reached the age of credit. For a lot of people… credit makes them feel important. What is sad is when all these banks go belly up.. they are going to call all the loans and we are all going to be royally screwed.

So basically… I am VERY thankful for a cash only Christmas. I would hate to have to pay the finance charges and such on Christmas. Barkey worked out an AWESOME budget plan with us. I know I talk about it a lot and so does Danny but it is LITERALLY changing our lives. As Dave Ramsey says, changing our family tree. Wow. Powerful.

This year we have been able to do Christmas all for ourselves with cash only. And it is turning out to be a good Christmas. We have even had the privilege to help others. That makes me REALLY happy. Giving is an AWESOME thing.

Today we started a new tradition. I hope to still do this when my kids are all grown up. It was soooooooooo fun! I thought of it and Danny agreed and we put it to practice today.

All the kids got $1 for each sibling and $2 each for me and Danny. We hit the Dollar Tree. They each got their own basket and went to town. They LOVED it! It promoted GIVING, which is the WHOLE POINT of Christmas. And it made them stop and think about their siblings and what they might like.. PERFECT excerise in consideration. They will get a nice dose of the joy of giving. I can’t wait to let them give their presents out on Christmas morning. And it helps teach them to keep a secret. They are DYING to tell but no one has yet.

I will be surprise if they make it all the way to Christmas without letting the secret out. haha. Oh yeah… the girls got to get a present for Carolina and the boys got one for Blue. They really liked that. They are so excited. It is funny. It put LOTS of presents under the tree. I am cracking up waiting for some of them to be opened. It is funny how well they know each other. Silas and Allie picked the same thing for Toby. I had to tell Silas so he could get something else. It was something NO ONE but your sibling would know about you. HAHAHA! I wont rat Toby out but it was HILARIOUS! Caetie asked me if anyone got repeats.. I told her that Allie and Silas almost did for Toby.. she GUESSED what it was. haha. So she knows him well too. If I told you what it was, you would CRACK UP!

Allie is a TOTAL Daddy’s girl. She was really trying hard to think of something loving to give him.  She wanted to get him flowers but we couldn’t find any that looked good without a vase. They were all kind that went in the styrofoam bouquet. YUCK. She found something else. It was sweet. Danny better appreicate it and realize how much effort they put into this. Awwwwww… Toby too. He asked me over and over if I thought Dad would like what he got. We will have to be careful not to say if we have a favorite. LOL! It might crush someone. Even Ben was cracking me up! He got Allie a headband with Blue hair like Caetie’s. It was funny! He picked all his own stuff too. I was amazed.

So now, with us learning the whole budget thing.. and using envelopes… Starting in January we are putting Christmas on the budget to save up a little all year. I am going to do the same with the kids. They will get a budget envelope that has Christmas Fund wrote on it. They need to put $1 a month in the envelope at least.. more if they want. But I am requiring $12 by December. I told them they could buy presents for everyone again with their own money and something for 5 of their friends. Their eyes lit up. They were excited then. I can’t hardly wait. This is going to be soooo cool! I will take tons of pics! Just thinking about all the things Danny got cracks me up and warms my heart. We have some good good kids.

There are things in my life that drive me insane. You know how there are simple things to fix but there is nothing you can do about it. Yeah… I have a lot of that. So involving my ever wandering, wishing, dreaming, hoping, let down mind in other things is a great break for me. The Rock House is an escape. The wonderful thing is that it isn’t a bad escape. So many people escape into drugs, alcohol, you name it…. not so for me. The Rock House is all about ministering and serving. I thoroughly enjoy it.

I was in a meeting recently with my Pastor, Ron. He was talking to me about the Hands of Praise, the sign language team I am on. He said I need to feel like God wants me on that team or else I maybe shouldn’t be on that team. I told him I enjoy signing and want to learn more and get better but I didn’t feel any special “call” from God for signing. He said, God can help me with that.

Well, I am still working on that part of signing but with The Rock House… I can tell you that I didn’t feel the call to work with teens… but God is definitely helping me. I can see it leading that way. I am slowly getting closer and closer with the kids. Sammy throwing a football at my head 3 times last night just proves that. haha. He wanted MY attention. Oddly enough, that makes me happy. I can feel something deeper pulling me into this more and more.

It is so fun to act like a complete goob and be ministering and helping people in the process. I love The Rock House, I just do.

Remember that I am interpreting. This wasn’t a Wendy special. Don’t watch me like you would Megan. It would be different if it was just me. Anywho…
I messed up one spot because the version of the song I know goes back into the chorus instead of doing the bridge 3 times. UGH! I did it both services too. Caetie was zoomed all up in my face and stuff. I hate zoom. Her and Danny both can’t use the camera without zooming in on something. Grrrrrrr…
Anyway…. here it is.

So far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over indulgent. I am glad about this. But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help. Thank you. In Jesus name. Amen.

That is a popular country song title. We look forward to that question as kids wanting a boyfriend.

Then as adults…. we just want our guys to say, would you go with me. We need a break from the house don’t we? We want to be wanted don’t we?

I recently had lunch with an 80 something year old woman. She was sharing a story of being left out by some old friends. All she wanted to hear was that they wanted her to come along. I guess this will be a life long desire. It isn’t the same inviting yourself along. Everyone wants to be wanted without having to ask to be wanted. LOL!

The power of a few considerate words is amazing. “Would you go with me” can send us over the moon in love or it can crush us to the dirty floor of rejection.

Don’t forget your significant other… ask them…

Would you go with me?